The holidays can be a time of joy and connection. They can also be a very difficult and painful time for many people. From age-old issues in the family, to seeing parents you may have a strained relationship with, facing loss that is more painful during the holiday season, political disagreements and more.

Some permission if you need it:

Before we get into some practical steps to take, we need to say right off the bat, if you do not feel it is physically or emotionally safe for you to attend a holiday gathering, it is completely okay to not go. If this is the case, there is a good chance that decision will be met with anger by others, and that is okay. You do not need to put yourself in a situation that will be damaging to your wellbeing.

You have to protect yourself in order to keep showing up in life for the things that matter to you the most. So if sitting this one out this year (or permanently) is what you need, here is your guilt-free permission to do so!

Is the decision not so easy for you?

For many people the decision is not so black and white. So let’s try to help you identify your values so you can make a more informed decision. We typically feel more grounded when we are making value-based decisions vs guilt-ridden decisions.

When you consider going to a holiday party this year, stop and ask yourself…

“what is behind my yes or my no”?

Are you going because you feel guilty or are afraid of other people’s reactions if you don’t go? If so, you might want to take a moment to reconsider.

These are very real fears and a lot to push back against. We often do not end up in a better place when we make guilt-based decisions and it is important to remember that you have agency over your life and where you spend your time.

OR…

Are you going because, despite some differences, you want to keep showing up in a loving way, center family, connection, and gratitude?

If so, that is great. It might be helpful to have a conversation with your immediate family about how you disagree on certain topics but all share love and respect for each other. This can be an opportunity to model showing up in spaces where everyone might not completely agree, but your family values overshadow those differences.

If you feel it would be well received to do so, you may even want to have a conversation with the host family acknowledging that tensions are high but that you want to center your love for each other and joy of the season.

Here are some values to reflect on as you consider what values are driving your decision for where you spend your time this holiday season.

Love Tradition Hope

Gratitude Understanding Humility

Connection Patience Honesty

Accountability Openness Self-respect

Take some time to reflect on which ones matter most to you so you can be anchored in confidence in your decision even if the day presents you with some challenges.

If you know that you will be attending and hard topics might come up, but it would not be well received to talk about it beforehand; here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Know your limits.

Sometimes people are going to be difficult despite our best efforts to engage them. All that you have control over is the way and the heart in which you say something. Someone else getting upset does not, in and of itself, mean you did anything wrong. Adults are responsible for their own emotions. We cannot control them.
Know that you can walk out of the room, step outside, or even leave early if needed.

Pro tip: If things become too much and it does not feel safe to tell the truth you can say that you don’t feel well and need to leave. When it comes to safety, the primary focus needs to be on protecting yourself at the moment. So, if people are not honoring your honesty, it is okay to do whatever you need to do to get out of there.

2. Take care of yourself beforehand.

If you are worried about a holiday event, talk through your concerns with someone you love or a therapist before you go.
Be clear about why you are attending and know you have full permission to change your mind.

3. Give your body the resources it needs.

Prioritize sleep the night before
Consume well-balanced meals
Stay hydrated
Engage in a grounding practice that morning; go for a walk, be in nature, move your body, engage in meditation.
Limit Alcohol Consumption: Alcohol can amplify emotions, inhibit judgment, and increase conflict. A really important factor here is how you are feeling when you start drinking. If you are already feeling anxious, angry, sad, or fearful, maybe avoid alcohol for this event.

4. Take care of yourself after.

Make plans to connect with people that you find to be supportive – plan to move your body
Be in nature
Prioritize sleep and nourishment
Have something planned that you enjoy and are looking forward to – process through the day if needed with someone you love or a therapist

Remember:

The most important factor to you showing up in this world for the things that matter most to you is you taking care of yourself.

Sometimes that means leaning into challenging moments and other times it means taking a step back and allowing yourself permission to rest.

Wishing you and your family a peace-filled holiday season.

Resources

Grab our FREE self-care checklist!

More on Self-compassion

Featured

Survival Guide for Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics this Holiday Season

The holidays can be a time of joy and connection. They can also be a very difficult and painful time for many people. From age-old issues in the family, to seeing parents you may have a strained relationship with, facing loss that is more painful during the holiday season, political disagreements and more.

Rebuilding: Finding Your Way Back to Yourself After a Narcissistic Relationship

Being in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic is crazy making. The constant confusion, emotional abuse, lack of ownership, and lies cause a trauma response in the person trying to survive that relationship. The devastation from these relationships seems endless, especially as you are trying to rebuild your life in the beginning.

Finding Alignment in the New Year

This is the time of year that everyone is talking about resolutions, but the black and white nature of making and keeping a resolution feels harsh. We don’t want you to be set up for failure, and instead want you to hold yourself with love and warmth. If this is a time of self-reflection and you are desiring change or growth, then we want to support you.

Finding Peace in the Chaos: How to Manage Holiday Stress

The holiday season can be a time of joy, celebration, and connection—but it can also be a significant source of stress. This year in particular has been a time of high emotions and conflict for many families. Family dynamics are being exasperated by a lot of division and uncertainty in our world. While the scope of things we can’t control can feel overwhelming, there are some things within our control that we can focus our energy on.

Self-Care Is More Than Just Getting a Massage- Read for Some Tips!

Self-care has received a lot of attention over the last several years and yet when I ask people if they have been taking care of themselves, the answer I often get is something like, “I mean I got a massage last week.” And sometimes that is the answer at best. Learning to take care of yourself is much more about cultivating and practice of self reflection rather than a list of things you can do to pamper yourself – and of course we recommend pampering yourself whenever possible too. ;)